As I came out of a hippie soap store the other day, I saw my reflection in the windows walking in and almost didn’t recognize myself. It highlighted in one moment how truly different of a human being I’ve become. I was wearing a tie die hoodie with 17 inches of long hair all over the place and a body built for horticulture. I no longer saw a Marine reflecting back which astonished me in the moment and left me scratching my head.
My military background as a U.S. Marine pushed me to new heights in this life. It has also opened many doors that would not have been available to me. I loved being a Marine and I was proud to claim the title — something I earned with blood, sweat, and tears.
It’s the part I’m most proud of and the part that has defined who I’ve been for the past 13 years. The part I’ve attempted to keep alive all this time and the part that I couldn’t see myself existing without. However, it’s also the part of me that still suffers, a part that has led me to the edge of the abyss on more than one occasion, and the part that was still holding me back from a life of true love and wonder.
So, I’ve actively been working to release this part no longer serving me. So much “time” I have spent in self-acknowledgement and forgiveness. Yet, to see the physical manifestation of all the psycho-emotional-spiritual work I’ve done these last three years materialize in front of me, in one moment, was shocking to say the least.
This realization didn’t begin in the window pane of Buff City Soaps, that’s where it solidified. It honestly began two weeks ago when I had to accept my physical limitations when attempting to start a job as a landscaper. I could no longer “push-through” a job that physically and mentally taxed me. In reality, I no longer WANTED to “push-through” anything that made me miserable.
Once more in my life, I was choosing to suffer to fill a perceived lack. I was willing to sacrifice my mind, body, and self to obtain, attain, or receive something outside myself. This is what Marines are known for. This is no longer how I desire to define myself, my life, or the path I choose to take.
All in one breath, staring at myself in that reflection, I knew that I am no longer the rough and tuff leatherneck who would take a machine gun nest without second thought. Yet, at the same time I am no longer the angry, bitter, “salty” devil dog who wanted to conquer the World. With the release of one, comes the release of it all, and now I can begin defining who I am, by who I’ve become, and not who I’ve been.
The lions gate ceremony we did showed me who I’ve become — who I am now stepping into. Without purging this part of my human, I won’t be able to fully embrace myself in this new beginning.
As I was writing this, tears were rolling down my face, due to this realization. It is heart breaking to let go of a part of us we held in such high esteem. While, simultaneously being spiritually validating after all the effort I’ve made to become who I am .
In reality, It’s all I’ve wanted these last eight years since separating from the Corps. To be happy, fulfilled, and in love with myself, another person, and my life. To choose myself and my best interest in every moment. To choose happiness, success, and abundance without the need to self-destruct.
I am there within myself. Yet, the Marine crying out for help is scared of all the goodness coming his way. He’s dying and I’m having to lay him down to rest permanently. I don’t know who I am without him but I am strong enough to move forth and find out.
All the great qualities of being a Marine will stay with me as the foundation to the life I’ve built of love, prosperity, and abundance. But if I continue identifying with his story of sacrifice and suffering — I will hold myself back being someone I’m no longer. With the death of one, comes the birth of another — I am living a reincarnation in real-time.
I’ve decided to move into a more openly vulnerable space — to share my path and perspective as raw as possible so others can see that allowing themselves to feel and be who they are in each moment is not “wrong,” “bad,” or “misguided.” To put myself out there in strength and light. To lead from the front with authentic vulnerability.
This is who I am becoming.
In reality, it’s who I’ve always been.
- Ace
Absolutely amazing 👏 thanks so much my brother for sharing. Tears are coming to my eyes as I can feel your life in my minds eye. I love you brother 💙 xx